I spent the entire day in bed today, I’m still there now. Actually, that is a lie… I didn’t spend the entire day in bed, I think I moved 3 times; once to put my phone on charge, once to get my laptop and once to take some painkillers.
I’ve had a bad day. Got really twitchy and freaked out last night, so much so that when I was on the phone to Rich he picked up that something was wrong and came over to see me. He took one look at me and knew things weren’t good. My make-up was smudged all over my face from crying, my jumper was covered in blood (I gave in and cut myself), I was shaking, I wouldn’t answer the door, then when my housemate let him in I wouldn’t open my bedroom door until he rang me and said it was him.
He took me to A&E at UCH. They were very sweet. Wanted to keep me in overnight but I wanted to come home. They let me in the end after the duty psych came and spoke to me. The duty psych is contacting my GP about things. She thinks coming off the venlafaxine so rapidly wasn’t a good idea, she also thinks coping alone isn’t a good idea. She wants me to be referred to the CMHT now and is confused as to why I haven’t been before. I told her I didn’t want psych help and she said it didn’t matter what I wanted, that I needed it. Apparently someone will call me before the end of the week, but I don’t hold out much hope for that.
Rich stayed with me last night, he just lay beside me holding me in his arms, squeezing me gently. I cried and cried and cried, which worried both of us as I don’t usually cry. I’m beginning to scare myself, I’m beginning to scare Rich, and I know my parents are worried about me. I’m telling myself I’m not that bad – if I’m scaring myself then I am OK because I realise there is a problem, but I’m not convinced.
Got an email from my tutor. Was meant to go into uni today for a tutorial but I didn’t go. I’m sure they’ll get over it but I don’t know how to explain myself. Frankly I’m not sure if I can even be bothered explaining myself anymore.
Ruth
PS. I promise normal posting will be resumed soon.
