Feeling Groovy!

Today has been a good day. I don’t know why it has been a good day. Nothing particularly exciting or great has happened but I just feel good. Which is good, if not a little unnerving.

I have a feeling I might be going slightly hyper, but I don’t care. My work productivity is up, my mood is up and my don’t care attitude is back.

My fees are due to be paid tomorrow so I went to get a cheque from the bank and they wouldn’t issue me with one because of insufficient funds in my account. I explained that my bursary will be going in sometime tonight or tomorrow (end of the month) but she still wouldn’t give me it. It’s a £45 if I pay late, and considering I’m out of uni tomorrow on a clinical observation day and won’t be back home until 6.30pm there’s no chance I can pay.

But I don’t care. It’s only money, you have it, you don’t have it… life goes on!

Ruth

Am I A Student? Or Am I A Patient?

It’s hard to tell at the moment. I was meant to be in uni from 9am ’till 4pm today. However, I was only there from 9am to 10am and 2pm to 4pm. The rest of the time was spent in the plastics outpatient department and seeing the mental health adviser.

The plastics appointment wasn’t too bad. I got there at 10am and was given number 9 in the queue. I was finally taken into a room by the nurse at about 11.15am, whereupon she undressed the wounds, put a piece of gauze over them and went to get a medic. An SHO came in and poked and prodded the wounds. He said the structures were mainly intact and the numbness/altered sensation was probably because I cut close to a nerve. He then said they needed suturing though and he couldn’t decide whether to do them under local or general anaesthetic. He went to get his registrar.

The registrar was lovely. He said that they weren’t going to suture them today, because if they have got infected then suturing would just hold the infection inside. He made sure I was mentally OK and asked a few questions about the self-harm, whereupon my voice obviously wobbled because he said that he wasn’t trying to upset me and that even though he was primarily a surgeon, the mental wellbeing of his patients was paramount as well. He also just seemed to understand. I know that probably makes no sense, but to me it does!

So the nurse applied some local anaesthetic cream around the wounds and then covered them with cling film and left them for half an hour. By the time she and the SHO came back in it was 12.30pm and I was pretty certain that I would miss the appointment with A (the mental health adviser at the uni) at 1pm. Anyway the SHO scrubbed the wounds with iodine which was fucking painful. It stang so much and I was biting my finger and hyperventilating and nearly crying. The nurse was so sweet and just stroked my shoulder and kept saying “it’s OK sweetheart” and “you can scream if you want”. I felt so stupid. I mean I was sitting there almost in tears over some iodine solution being scrubbed into the wounds that I caused to myself without a thought for the pain!

They’ve steri-stripped them together and dressed them with more iodine, to prevent infection, padded dressings, a bandage and a tubigrip thing over the top. I have to go back on Friday to get the dressings changed and they will probably suture the wounds then as a delayed closure as I heal so slowly. However, when they took the original steri-strips off I was covered in welts and a rash in nice neat lines where the strips had been. So obviously I am allergic to steri-strips, and quite badly allergic as the welts had blistered and there is raw skin underneath. This is why they are thinking of suturing them on Friday.

So I finally left at 1.10pm and rang the counselling service straight away saying I would be a bit late but anticipated being there in 5 minutes. When I arrived there were a few forms to fill in and one of those CORE evaluation forms and then I got to meet A. She’s lovely and although the session mainly concentrated on the recent self-harm, because in her words “it’s quite a serious episode to need to be referred to plastics” we did talk a bit about other things. She wants to see me again on Friday at 3pm, which is after the plastics appointment to see how I got on and to talk about the other issues in a bit more depth. I think this may be a positive turning point.

Ruth

Why Do I Always Do Things In Spectacular Style?

I did the expected this morning and cut myself. I don’t know why I still get so stressed out at the idea of me doing it, I mean I’ve been doing it now since I was 15 and you’d think I would be used to it by now. Anyway, this was at about 6am and I dressed the wounds and thought nothing of them.

I decided that the best way to get through today would be to go into uni, as it was only a half day and therefore I’d be free at 1pm. I went to see my Mum is hospital before I started. She’s fine and the plan was to discharge her around lunchtime. No lasting damage, no follow up needed and the medical team have given her some numbers for domestic violence helplines, but knowing her they probably ended up in the bin as soon as she got them. So I went to my 9.30am seminar which lasted for 2 hours and was actually quite interesting and helpful. It helped clarify a lot of things that I’ve been confused about recently, probably because I haven’t been listening fully but it was nice to revisit them. Then I went to my 12 o’clock lecture which was so boring. It was a general lecture for a sub-section of students (both post-grad and undergrad) on analysing data and it was composed mainly of a GCSE syllabus. Honestly, I do know about inter-quartile ranges and how to work out an average. I mean the high majority of people on courses at this uni will have Maths A-Level and so this lecture was just a complete waste of time and completely misdirected.

As I was leaving the lecture I looked down and noticed I had a blood stain on my jeans where one of the cuts was. I went to the toilet and unpacked the wound, whereupon it was still bleeding and gaping. I took myself to A&E. Now I realise that during the lifetime of this blog I constantly seem to be attending A&E and it probably looks as if I run there everytime, which isn’t true. I hate going to A&E, I get all embarrassed and apologetic and concerned about wasting people’s time. I get very quiet and withdrawn and make it perfectly obvious that I don’t want to be there but I have to be.

So I went to A&E where I was seen within 10 minutes of sitting in the waiting room. A final year medical student took my history and I felt uncomfortable with this. Usually I don’t mind medical students observing or treating me, I take the viewpoint that everyone has to learn somewhere and that somewhere might as well be me. I sat, staring at the floor whilst he asked me if I was suicidal (no), if I wanted to see a psychiatrist (no), if I was likely to do this again (probably, changed to maybe when he looked alarmed), was I currently involved in mental health services (don’t know – used to be but since appointment with DSH team everyone seems to have gone very quiet) and was I purely seeking treatment for the wounds (yes). He then went off to get a nurse as a chaperone to look at the wounds, as they were on my thighs. A nurse practitioner came in, told me to strip my jeans off and lie on the trolley. She didn’t give me a gown or a sheet to cover myself up with – cue more uncomfortable feelings with the medical student present.

The med student then went off to get a qualified doctor to assess his diagnosis and prescription – superficial laceration requiring steri-strips, glue and pressure bandage. The nurse practitioner asked if I was still alright with the med student being present and I just mumbled “yes” even though I wasn’t. This comes of my feeling worthless when I have cut and desire to not be in the company of medical professionals. I normally speak my mind and tell people things but I couldn’t tell her I didn’t like the med student being there, maybe because I didn’t want to cause a fuss or draw attention to me, I don’t know.

The SHO came in and looked at the wounds and decided one needed sutures so he cleaned it up again and proceeded to test for feeling. Whereupon I had altered sensation on the lateral side of my left thigh around the area of 2 of the wounds and resuming sensation at my knee. He sent the med student to get a paperclip to test for feeling between blunt and sharp objects. I guess from the outcome I didn’t guess too well. The SHO then went to talk to a consultant about the possibility of needing a referral to plastics and the consultant agreed it would be a good idea. Because of this he only steri-stripped the wounds on my left thigh incase the plastics team want to complete an exploration of them.

I have been referred to the plastics/trauma outpatient clinic tomorrow morning. It is an open clinic, run on a first come, first served approach so I need to get there early and the referral form says be prepared to wait. The clinic starts at 10am, which is a nuisance because I have a lecture that finishes at 10am and then a practical session all morning and afternoon. I already am missing from 1pm tomorrow for the appointment with the mental health adviser, which the clinical skills tutor did not take kindly to, so god knows how she is going to react to the fact that I won’t be there all morning. Plus I can’t tell her the real reason. All I said for the absence in the afternoon was that I had a medical appointment. I can’t tell her that I self-harmed, ended up in A&E and need reviewing by plastics, but I don’t want to get into trouble for being absence without authorisation or good reason.

A&E have also sent a referral fax off to the self-harm team, even though I said they were unlikely to see me as I had already had involvement and they had decided that they couldn’t offer ongoing support. The SHO looked at me as if I was being awkward when I said this but I know what will happen. A&E promise a referral, the DSH team receive it, read the name, decide there is nothing they can do with me and ignore it.

Am still at uni, need to go home but don’t know what I am going to face and don’t feel in a good frame of mind to cope. Can’t tell my parents about the referral to plastics so am going to have to “go it alone”. I know there probably isn’t any damage to the nerve but A&E, in my experience, never seem to refer to plastics. I don’t know if they are just covering their backs from a medico-legal point of view, or if they know something that I don’t. Either way I don’t particularly want to attend the clinic but know I should.

Ruth

It’s time for a few explanations

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet recently but a lot of horrible things have happened. The first was that I split up with the boyfriend a while ago and this has hit me hard, which is why it’s taken me a while to mention it.

 The second relates to my family life. On Thursday night my parents had an argument about me admitting to my prescription/OTC drug dpendence and my Mum ended up with a broken wrist. My father is a wife-beater, spouse abuser, vicious bastard – use whichever phrase you prefer, they all mean the same thing. On Friday night I went awol, I just couldn’t cope at home so I shouted a few home truths and stormed out. My Mum panicked and rang the crisis team, who in turn rang me to see what I was “playing at”. I told them what had happened the previous night and that I was of sane mind and just needed some time out, whereupon they left me alone.

I came back home yesterday to find my Mum totally depressed, despondent and miserable. She was saying and doing some quite odd and scary things. When I wet to bed last night I had a text conversation with a friend and they asked if I was worried my Mum might commit suicide. I had to answer “yes” and I knew that she had a box of temazepam in her possession as well as some of my zolpidem and co-codamol lying around somewhere.

I was right to be worried. At some point early this morning, somewhere between 5 and 7, my Mum took an overdose. I walked into her room with a cup of coffee and found her, so rang an ambulance. She’s in hospital now and is being kept in overnight for medical observation. They’re not going to have any psych intervention as the doctors and nurses guessed what had caused it and apparently can rule out a mental health problem. She’s not talking to me now as I dialled 999 and it’s all my fault she didn’t just sleep (interpret that as you will), I felt like saying that she hadn’t taken enough to die and to take that from the expert, but I didn’t.

Before anyone asks, I don’t know how I feel.

Numb.

Scared.

Anxious.

Upset.

Guilty.

Angry.

Hurt.

Despair.

They all describe it quite accurately.

I don’t want to live here anymore, but I can’t move out because how can I leave her in this situation. She isn’t going to leave, she never will, but I can support her if I am here.

It’s all so confusing and difficult.

Ruth

Curious Question

Do you think if I type “feeling crap” into Google or a similar search engine then I’ll find out the reason behind my current mental and physical non-wellbeing?

Ruth

Task 1, Check. Task 2, Check.

I’ve achieved quite a lot this week so far, in quite odd ways.

Had an assessment at the counselling department on Monday lunchtime. They were really lovely and the woman I saw decided I should be referred onto the mental health adviser, and probably see a counsellor at the same time as “there are a lot of things going on at present”. I have an appointment to see her at 1pm on Tuesday for an hour as an assessment to see if I need ongoing support and/or counselling or referring onto more specialised mental health services.

After I came out of the appointment and went to get the Tube I went really, really breathless and felt light headed. I finally decided something was up with the chest pain/breathlessness so I went to A&E where I was seen almost immediately, put into resus on a monitor and had bloods taken. My oxygen saturation levels (SATs) were really low so they put me on oxygen and decided to admit me overnight. They put me on the medical admission unit on oxygen and kept an eye on my SATs. They came to the conclusion (as a friend had done that morning) that it was respiratory depression caused by ingesting too much codeine and sleeping tablets (not in an overdose way but sustained). This has meant that my referral to the substance misuse people has been brought forwards which is good.

I haven’t however told my parents the entire truth yet, but then they’d probably just put me into private rehab and then go on holiday. I’m on a bit of a downer with my parents at the moment as my Dad is being the bastard that he usually his and just throwing fucking tantrums like a bloody 3 year old, but he’s not 3, he’s grown up and has the strength and power of a grown up. Rant over.

Despite having to cut down on the codeine and sleeping tablets I took 2 zolpidem last night to try and sleep. I know I shouldn’t have done but it did work, didn’t wake up ’till 5:52am this morning!!

Ruth

Nothing Concluded, Nothing Disgarded

The biopsy result was inconclusive. It showed traces of abnormal cells but they want to complete another biopsy to be on th safe side, so they can see if it was an accurate result or a fluke. They also want to do a CT scan to see if there is any evidence of a tumour anywhere else. It’s all a bit of a mess really.

Chest pain is still coming and going. More coming than going really, and I keep having trouble getting my breath. Should probably see someone about it, but I just don’t want to face any more medical professionals at the moment. All my spare time seems to be being spent in hospitals.

Haven’t got round to seeing the mental health advisor or counsellor yet, but have a free afternoon tomorrow so I may do it then. I know I need to speak to someone about all of this anxiety and depression and I don’t know who. I feel like I am putting upon my friends far too much and I need to stop doing that.

Ruth

Chest Pain

I’ve had a pain in my chest for over 6 hours now – I think it’s anxiety as I get my biopsy results tomorrow and it’s sunk in that I’ve got to have major surgery.

More later when I feel better and am not so tired (went to a conference in Southampton today),

Ruth

It’s been a day of lidocaine

Saw a senior nurse at the self-harm team this morning. She was lovely, really listened and I told her everything. This in itself is quite unusual for me as I don’t usually tell anyone everything, let alone on the first meeting. She asked about my diagnoses – Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Trichotillomania, Dermatotillomania and Self-Harm. She said given my history (which I haven’t explained all of on here) that none of it was a surprise.

She doesn’t think she can offer much intervention, but she has given me the team’s number and apparently I can contact her for a chat or advice at any time. She is ringing the CMHT to see what is going on with the psych support I am getting there and is drafting a letter to send to my CPN. It all sounds quite optimistic really. She thinks at some point in the future I would benefit from long-term therapy but realises that I’m not in the right frame of mind at present. She’s also given me the number for the mental health adviser at uni and thinks that uni counselling is a good idea.

She also twigged that I cut myself recently. 4am this morning to be precise after taking one and half zopiclone and two zolpidem and still being wide awake from half midnight to half four this morning. It was quite bad as well and she suggested I went to A&E, I obviously didn’t look too happy about the idea so she came with me. 9 stitches in one of the cuts and 7 in the other bad one and steri-strips on the third. It was quite sweet as I was seen by a trainee nurse practitioner who went off to get a colleague as she “couldn’t suture” and so a fully qualified nurse practitioner came in and sutured the worst one and then offered to let her suture the other one (she had been on a course but never sutured a person). I agreed and so she did her first ever suturing on me – and it’s dead neat!

The biopsy was bloody painful. More local anaesthetic and a large needle straight into my bone. However, they did give me some nice sedative drugs and kept me in for a couple of hours to sleep them off afterwards. I should get the results by the end of the week. Quite scared about it but trying to stay optimistic.

Ruth

I want to curl up and hide

So scared about tomorrow. Biopsy and self-harm team. Don’t think I can take much more.

Tutor just emailed me asking if I was OK because I looked very upset and anxious today and suggested referral to uni counselling – might take him up on the offer.

Also operation has been brought forwards a week, it’s in just over 2 months.

I want to pull the duvet over my head and just sleep. Took a few too many zolpidem/zopiclone last night – actually unintentionally, just kept waking up and taking another one or half. Managed to wake up this morning and get to uni but since 4pm have been absolutely whacked. All the side effects I’ve got is a bitter taste in my mouth and a very dry mouth, plus feeling a bit groggy. Got my new prescription for venlafaxine from the pharmacy – 4 boxes of 28 tablets in each. Seems quite tempting.

Ruth