Why Do I Always Do Things In Spectacular Style?

I did the expected this morning and cut myself. I don’t know why I still get so stressed out at the idea of me doing it, I mean I’ve been doing it now since I was 15 and you’d think I would be used to it by now. Anyway, this was at about 6am and I dressed the wounds and thought nothing of them.

I decided that the best way to get through today would be to go into uni, as it was only a half day and therefore I’d be free at 1pm. I went to see my Mum is hospital before I started. She’s fine and the plan was to discharge her around lunchtime. No lasting damage, no follow up needed and the medical team have given her some numbers for domestic violence helplines, but knowing her they probably ended up in the bin as soon as she got them. So I went to my 9.30am seminar which lasted for 2 hours and was actually quite interesting and helpful. It helped clarify a lot of things that I’ve been confused about recently, probably because I haven’t been listening fully but it was nice to revisit them. Then I went to my 12 o’clock lecture which was so boring. It was a general lecture for a sub-section of students (both post-grad and undergrad) on analysing data and it was composed mainly of a GCSE syllabus. Honestly, I do know about inter-quartile ranges and how to work out an average. I mean the high majority of people on courses at this uni will have Maths A-Level and so this lecture was just a complete waste of time and completely misdirected.

As I was leaving the lecture I looked down and noticed I had a blood stain on my jeans where one of the cuts was. I went to the toilet and unpacked the wound, whereupon it was still bleeding and gaping. I took myself to A&E. Now I realise that during the lifetime of this blog I constantly seem to be attending A&E and it probably looks as if I run there everytime, which isn’t true. I hate going to A&E, I get all embarrassed and apologetic and concerned about wasting people’s time. I get very quiet and withdrawn and make it perfectly obvious that I don’t want to be there but I have to be.

So I went to A&E where I was seen within 10 minutes of sitting in the waiting room. A final year medical student took my history and I felt uncomfortable with this. Usually I don’t mind medical students observing or treating me, I take the viewpoint that everyone has to learn somewhere and that somewhere might as well be me. I sat, staring at the floor whilst he asked me if I was suicidal (no), if I wanted to see a psychiatrist (no), if I was likely to do this again (probably, changed to maybe when he looked alarmed), was I currently involved in mental health services (don’t know – used to be but since appointment with DSH team everyone seems to have gone very quiet) and was I purely seeking treatment for the wounds (yes). He then went off to get a nurse as a chaperone to look at the wounds, as they were on my thighs. A nurse practitioner came in, told me to strip my jeans off and lie on the trolley. She didn’t give me a gown or a sheet to cover myself up with – cue more uncomfortable feelings with the medical student present.

The med student then went off to get a qualified doctor to assess his diagnosis and prescription – superficial laceration requiring steri-strips, glue and pressure bandage. The nurse practitioner asked if I was still alright with the med student being present and I just mumbled “yes” even though I wasn’t. This comes of my feeling worthless when I have cut and desire to not be in the company of medical professionals. I normally speak my mind and tell people things but I couldn’t tell her I didn’t like the med student being there, maybe because I didn’t want to cause a fuss or draw attention to me, I don’t know.

The SHO came in and looked at the wounds and decided one needed sutures so he cleaned it up again and proceeded to test for feeling. Whereupon I had altered sensation on the lateral side of my left thigh around the area of 2 of the wounds and resuming sensation at my knee. He sent the med student to get a paperclip to test for feeling between blunt and sharp objects. I guess from the outcome I didn’t guess too well. The SHO then went to talk to a consultant about the possibility of needing a referral to plastics and the consultant agreed it would be a good idea. Because of this he only steri-stripped the wounds on my left thigh incase the plastics team want to complete an exploration of them.

I have been referred to the plastics/trauma outpatient clinic tomorrow morning. It is an open clinic, run on a first come, first served approach so I need to get there early and the referral form says be prepared to wait. The clinic starts at 10am, which is a nuisance because I have a lecture that finishes at 10am and then a practical session all morning and afternoon. I already am missing from 1pm tomorrow for the appointment with the mental health adviser, which the clinical skills tutor did not take kindly to, so god knows how she is going to react to the fact that I won’t be there all morning. Plus I can’t tell her the real reason. All I said for the absence in the afternoon was that I had a medical appointment. I can’t tell her that I self-harmed, ended up in A&E and need reviewing by plastics, but I don’t want to get into trouble for being absence without authorisation or good reason.

A&E have also sent a referral fax off to the self-harm team, even though I said they were unlikely to see me as I had already had involvement and they had decided that they couldn’t offer ongoing support. The SHO looked at me as if I was being awkward when I said this but I know what will happen. A&E promise a referral, the DSH team receive it, read the name, decide there is nothing they can do with me and ignore it.

Am still at uni, need to go home but don’t know what I am going to face and don’t feel in a good frame of mind to cope. Can’t tell my parents about the referral to plastics so am going to have to “go it alone”. I know there probably isn’t any damage to the nerve but A&E, in my experience, never seem to refer to plastics. I don’t know if they are just covering their backs from a medico-legal point of view, or if they know something that I don’t. Either way I don’t particularly want to attend the clinic but know I should.

Ruth