Plummeting Into A Large Black Hole

I was relatively cheerful, upbeat and optimistic yesterday. However, sometime around 7.30pm last night that changed. There was no trigger, no apparent cause, nothing happened, nothing changed, no one said anything to me and I hadn’t done anything. I was sitting watching a repeat of ‘The Number One Ladies’ Detective Agency’ which I had downloaded onto BBC iPlayer a while ago when half way through I felt my mood change. I decided to watch to the end of the programme as it was quite sweet and uplifting the first time around and I thought it might make me feel better, but it didn’t.

When it finished I literally threw my laptop to the end of the bed, shuffled to the bathroom to get a large glass of water and sat back down on my bed in tears. It then dawned on me that I wanted to do myself some serious damage, and I didn’t neccessarily mean suicidal damage, but there was that ambivalence over if the damage was enough to kill me, would I really care?

I threw the glass of water over my extension lead, making sure water got into the sockets, I then unwrapped a paper clip and pushed one end deep into the earth pin (thus ensuring the appliance earthed through me) and pushed my light plug into the socket. I then held onto the paperclip and switched then light on and…

Nothing. A small electric shock and the lights went out. I managed to fuse the upstairs of the house and wreck my extension lead but did no damage to myself. I then rang the boyfriend, with whom I has spent about 2 and half hours on the phone to prevously that day in a cheerful mood, and tried to convince him that I was fine, until my voice wobbled and I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong, I had to tell him I didn’t know. He asked about stressors and triggers and all the normal things you would associate with such a mood swing, but there wasn’t anything. He seemed worried, scared and confused that someone’s mood could suddenly drop so low with no warning and no reason. I sat on the phone sobbing, interspersing the crying with some melodramatic phrase about how he shouldn’t stick around because I would only hurt him, or the words “I need to cut”.

He kept telling me that he wasn’t going anywhere and I didn’t need to cut because rationally it wouldn’t make anything better and it wouldn’t solve anything. I then said that I was just being a melodramatic borderline case, which he said he didn’t think I was being. I said that no one ever believes me when I say my mood can change so fast and I can do really stupid, dangerous things; like trying to electricute myself, in a nano second.

It’s true though. Doctors and nurses and psychiatrists and psychologists all sit there looking at me as if I am exaggerating life when I say I can plunge from high to low, or OK to low with no warning and once there I can go from crying hysterically to laughing hysterically faster than it takes to pour a drink. I think that they think I am melodramatic and trying to make some kid of point that there is something wrong with me, but I make it seem worse as if in some way that will get me treated. I’m not though. It is true, and the boyfriend can now vouch for me (well you know what I mean). I want this moodiness under control, and I don’t just want to be told to up the dose of lamotrigine or venlafaxine, or both. Or to have some minor tranquilliser added into the equation to take the edge off life. I still want to be able to feel and to enjoy life, just maybe on one level, not many.

I didn’t cut in the end. I took my meds and some pain killers for my foot and went to sleep. I maybe took a few more tramacet than I should have done but I got 9 hours of complete zombie sleep. I didn’t dream, I didn’t wake, I don’t remember any of it. That was exactly what I wanted. I don’t know how I feel today; down still but nowhere near as bad as I was 15 hours ago.

I can’t keep track of myself anymore and it’s scaring me.

Ruth