The CMHT rang me back. They can next offer me an appointment with both the CPNs I need to see at 9.30am on Monday 20th October (that’s over 10 days away). I took it, and spoke with the duty worker for a while about A&E/Crisis Team stuff at the weekend, and feeling generally shitty and all the other crap and he told me to “phone a friend” and “keep hold of some normality”. Half the problem in my life at the moment is that I have no normality. My life revolves around medical appointments and going for chemo, I have no job and no money, and I have to face my court case at the end of the month. What is normal? That’s what I want to ask.
Anyway, I saw Allison (my CPN who is off work ill for the rest of this week) looking perfectly happy and healthy filling her car with petrol at the pump next to mine earlier today. She recognised me, smiled and then went to pay. It made me angry, I mean I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but I could have grabbed her there and then and ranted on about everything that’s swirling around my head at the moment. Instead I followed her out of the filling station for about half a mile and then turned off down a street to where I live. I need to talk to her, and somehow even though I’ve ony met her once and spoken to her a couple of times I feel as if it has to be her, the duty worker seemed distant and my conversation stilted. I guess I could ring her next week when she’s back at work and just talk through things with her, that might help.
I’ve got bad intrusive thoughts at the moment and when I escape them it’s into the weird and wonderful world of dissocation. I don’t know what’s happening in my head at present, but I know it isn’t good. I want to self-harm all the time, I want to take 2 weeks worth of zopiclone just so it is a new week and I don’t have to go through the banality of day to day living, I want someone to wave a magic wand and make everything OK. I want never gets though, eh? I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m hyper but lethargic, I’m miserable, I’m unable to move, I’m tired but can’t sleep; I’m a paradoxical situation and it’s not nice.
Ruth
October 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Seeing the CPN like that would annoy me also, I always have this dread about seeing mine when I am out shopping or something, I think I would get so paranoid if I did…
10 days for the appointment is really poor, you can tell the person who tells you to “phone a friend” and “keep hold of some normality” obviously doesn’t have a mental health condition and needs to check back into reality, it was like the time my CPN refused to see me because I was in the therapy group “Use the group” she told me, two days before I was due to go and I was desperate to talk to someone!