I realise that I’ve been very quiet recently, but to be honest there hasn’t been a lot to say.
I went out with a friend and one of her friends to the pb on Friday night which ended rather abruptly and was followed with a somewhat triggering text from my friend about her friend (are you following?) that had me sitting on a wall sobbing into my phone to another friend for a very long time, and then after I had sobbed my heart out to my friend I sobbed my heart out to the Samaritans. I debated ringing the Crisis Team but I figured they would just annoy me with some patronisingly obvious suggestions and wouldn’t help the situation so some impartial and non-judgemental advice from someone who wasn’t going to tell me what to do (i.e. the Samaritans) was preferable.
In both the phonecalls I happened to mention something I have been thinking about for a while, and mentioned it in detail. Needless to say that I was meant to keep it to myself and now feel guilty (for letting people know), stupid (for not being able to keep my mouth shut) and annoyed (at blabbing). People knowing somewhat changes the dynamics of the whole situation and may involve a change of plan at some point, I don’t know at the moment.
Over the weekend I spent some time with a friend I haven’t seen for a long, long time and it was nice to see her. The only problem was that I felt a little overwhelmed all weekend as I didn’t have any time to myself. Having siblings that are so much older than me meant I was effectively an only child for a large period of my adolescence and therefore I need time just for me, on my own with no interference. I don’t think I had any time to myself all weekend, except driving to and from my friend’s, which doesn’t really count.
At the moment I’m undergoing chemotherapy and feel pretty rough because of it, which is why this is a short post. I’m in hospital until Wednesday afternoon and I doubt I’ll be posting again as I am only going to feel worse, not better, over the next 48 hours. On the plus side though I finally got round to buying a Nintendo DS on Sunday with my friend and it came with Big Brain Academy so I can spend the next few days depressing myself about how appalling my brain power really is.
Ruth
