I feel like such a useless blogger at present. I am stuck in the quagmire that is depression and unfortunately that isn’t much fun to write about. It saps your energy and thought process, it is melancholy and miserable, it is repetitive and boring.
I started the first dose of duloxetine yesterday, combined with a final week at 75mg/day of venlafaxine. I know that it won’t have any effect for at least 2 weeks, but I want to see some difference now. I want this to be the final magic wand I have been looking for all my life. The side-effects haven’t been too bad, I felt quite restless inside but lethargic physically yesterday, almost like an agitated depression, and my appetite has gone back down to zero (well beyond zero as thanks to the chemo it was already at zero). The tablets are quite a funky colour though, bright blue and green capsules. I know that colour has an effect on your mood and that yellow and green are meant to be uplifting (hence they are the colours used for Prozac) and blue is calming, so presumably duloxetine is meant to impart a sense of uplifting calm before you even swallow it.
I saw Allison today and explained about the events of the past week with meeting friends, calling the crisis team, having a friend admit to me that they think I am going to kill myself, and the ongoing chemo. She asked about my suicidal thoughts/feelings/ideation and I ended up spilling it all to her. The plans I had about how I would do it, the timescale which I had given myself to do it and how I have been spending every spare minute perfecting the plans so nothing goes wrong. She now wants me to dismantle the plans and before I see her next on Tuesday I have to come up with a step-by-step plan to how I can keep myself actively safe and ensure the plans aren’t going to be put to use for the week in which I was planning to do it. Apparently I can involve her, the crisis team, the day services at the unit and friends/relations in the plan. I need to make sure that I am in contact, either physically or by phone each day of the week in which I had planned the date.
In the meantime though I have to contact the crisis team once a day over the weekend (including tonight) and ring Allison on Monday morning prior to our appointment on Tuesday lunchtime. She seemed to take everything I was telling her about my mood and suicidal feelings seriously and realises I am very close to reaching crisis point at present. I am so used to people being offhand about my suicidal thoughts because I am borderline and therefore suicidal ideation comes with the territory, that it shocks me somewhat as to how much support she is prepared to give me. I don’t know what has changed within the CMHT since I was last involved (at the beginning of the year) but whatever they have done is working and I am, luckily, reaping the benefits. Of course, being the ultimate pessimistic depressive, this doesn’t serve to improve my mood at all, but I think it makes the people around me feel a bit safer and at ease.
Ruth
