I am pretty certain that I am in what a psychiatrist would term a ‘mixed state’. Now I know that I am not diagnosed with bipolar and therefore I cannot theoretically be suffering from a mixed episode but all the symptoms that I have at present fit. I first noticed it coming on during Thursday and the only thing I can think is that it coincides perfectly with my starting to take duloxetine.
I mentioned to Allison on Friday when I saw her that I was feeling restless inside but my external demeanour was depressive. She said to ring her when I had those feelings so she could keep a track of them. When I saw her on Friday morning I didn’t feel too bad but the internal anxiety started to hit me again by lunchtime and I became increasingly irritable and aggressive towards people whilst wanting to pull my head under the duvet to escape the world but feeling unable to relax for a fidgety feeling.
I didn’t ring Allison back to tell her the feelings were back on Friday. I am hopelessly awful at ringing her unless it is prearranged as I don’t want to disturb her when she is busy with other caseloads. No matter how many times she reassures me that it is what she is there for, I don’t seem to take it on board. I told the crisis team when I spoke to them last night that I was feeling restless but increasingly depressed. The bloke I spoke to told me that I needed to concentrate on constructive things whilst feeling restless rather than being impulsive. At the time I didn’t understand what he meant but at 3am this morning I did. I am beginning to realise that being agitated whilst depressed is a dangerous combination. Having suicidal thoughts in your head and the physical energy to plan the means isn’t a good combination.
Last night I spent most of my time transferring music from long-lost and mainly forgotten CDs onto my computer to eventually transfer onto my mp3 player at a later date. I have a pile of ironing to occupy me for an hour or so later on and I am sure my bedroom could do with cleaning. The trouble is although my body wants to complete tasks and not be able to keep still my head is just wanting to switch off and sleep.
I have to ring the crisis team again later this evening and again tomorrow before talking to Allison on Monday. I have decided that I am going to tell Allison about the state I am in, even if it disappears by Monday I feel that I should tell her how the last 3 days have been. The confusion that I am in at present is making me want to self-harm, even though I haven’t cut mysef for 12 days. In fact, this is the first weekend in 7 weeks that I haven’t got any stitches in me. A part of me is proud of that and wants to make it 13 days and then 2 weeks but my brain is being pulled and twisted in so many ways that I want to cut.
It’s as if I am in a maze and every corner I turn means I hit a brick wall. I know that by self-harming it will mean that I will be able to turn a corner and find my way out of the maze. Finding my way out of the maze in a non-metaphor means being able to assess the situation rationally and without emotional interference. I still have to make a plan as to how I am going to keep myself safe for the week I was planning to instigate the suicide plan, and also how to dismantle the actual plan. At the moment I cannot even begin to think about the whole thing because I have a nasty feeling that if I start to think about it then the positives will get thrown out of the window and I will start to concentrate in the more negative suicidal thoughts, and that wouldn’t be good for me.
Ruth
Edited to add (6:15pm): Rang the crisis team and the very helpful and lovely CPN I spoke to suggested I called the out-of-hours GP to get some diazepam to try and take the edge off the feelings as I am feeling so close to self-harming. Rang the number and spoke to the switchboard who said that OOH GPs don’t prescribe benzodiazepines. I explained that I had spoken with the crisis team and gave the name of the nurse and told the switchboard woman to ring them, which she said she would. Rang the crisis team a few minutes ago to see what was happening and they haven’t heard from anyone. Think I’ll probably just have a couple of glasses of wine and an early night, I can’t be doing with arguments with OOH doctors and the crisis team at the moment.
