Busy Doing Nothing: Days That Drag On For Eternity

I have been absent on here for too long, but nothing of real interest has happened in my life.

I eventually got the diazepam from the out-of-hours GP, took a dose, went to sleep and woke up the next morning to find a huge gash in my arm and a kitchen knife by my bed. I don’t remember cutting myself so I went to A&E and got patched up. This was on the Sunday. On the Tuesday I saw Allison for our appointment and she seemed concerned about me and organised for my GP to prescribe me more diazepam as my legs were physically shaking whilst I was talking with her.

The rest of the week dragged on very slowly until yesterday when I reopened the wound in my arm from Sunday and caused more damage. The self-harm team were called to assess me but didn’t bother as they had called Allison who promised them she would ring me later that day. The A&E staff were so concerned about me that they put me in a gown to lessen my absconding/suicide/self-harm risk and kept 10 minute obs on me in the clinical decision unit. I was so worked up that I was scratching at my wrist with a broken plastic cup until the nurse took it away from me, whereupon I used the ID bracelet they had put round my wrist, but eventually that was taken off me too. I now have superficial grazes on my wrist that hurt like hell from where I was doing that, and surprisingly they are more uncomfortable than the stitches that were put in, including internal sutures.

Last night I sat with probably a bit too much vodka and coke and watched Finding Nemo to try and liven my mood. I felt really bad and ended up ringing the crisis team in floods of tears. They ascertained that Allison had never contacted me and therefore I hadn’t been assessed so asked me to go to A&E where they could talk to me. I smoked a 10 pack of cigarettes on the walk there, which isn’t good as the first place the cancer could spread is my lungs. Smart move smoking then.

I am worried about next week as both my parents are away and it was that week I had put all the suicide plans in place for. In a fortnight I have another scan to see how the tumour is progressing/reducing and in 3 weeks I get the results. If life wasn’t bad enough, my Mum announced this morning that my parents aren’t divorcing after all. I shouted some home truths at her and am now shut away in my bedroom to save me being accused of being selfish and ungrateful anymore than I already have been.

Happy days.

Ruth