I got myslef in a bit of a state last night. I had been in a binge-purge cycle all day. It went like this, eat bowl of cereal for breakfast, throw it up, eat lunch, throw it up, eat entire tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, throw it up, take meds, eat chocolate, throw it and the meds up.
At about 10pm I rang the crisis team to explain to them how helpless I felt with food and how I wanted to self-harm to punish myself. They told me to have a bath and relax. I have a plaster cast on my leg so a bath isn’t possible. The psychiatric nurse offered to come out and see me but as I am pretending to cope to my parents I denied the offer.
About half an hour later two nurses from the crisis team knocked at the door and my Mum answered it. Apparently they were so concerned about me they ignored my request and came out to see me to conduct an emergency assessment. Their conclusion? I am in a depressive phase and the eating disorder rearing it’s ugly head is due to weight gain caused by side effects of medication. Geniuses!
My Mum then asked me what was going on and I was perfectly honest with her. She then got miffed that I didn’t talk to her and was convinced it was because I didn’t trust or love her. It’s Mother’s Day today and she’s still in a bad mood about it all. I have to thank the crisis team for wrecked the tiny bit of trust my Mum had in me. It was only made worse by me putting the pyjamas on that my Mum had found me unconscious, cynosed and with a ligature round my head in. She got really upset by it, but they’re one of my favourite pairs of PJs so I’m not throwing them out.
So far today I have had 3 glasses of water and an apple. I’m cooking lunch so that’ll be a perfect excuse not to eat too much.
Ruth
