I had a conversation with someone I count as a good friend last night. They also read this blog so knew that I was un-medicated. We chatted for about three quarters of an hour about how it was stupid of me to have stopped taking the pills and the way I have reacted to not taking the tablets means that I am definitely bipolar. As they said, being able to push mania is not a common trait to depression, if it was then all depressives would have to do to feel better would be to drink Lucozade.
I trust this friend’s knowledge and they know this. I also can trust them to tell them things that I haven’t written on this blog, which goes some way to explaining why I took myself off the tablets. They figured out that it was less a social experiment into my diagnosis and more because of the weight gain and me just being plain stubborn. They pointed out that although I have been able to stave off the suicidal urges whilst un-medicated so far I do not have a good track record when it comes to being able to get through crippling suicidal depressions. In fact I had to admit that I had lost count of the number of times I have tried to kill myself, or at least made half-hearted attempts, in the last year.
So this morning I opened the boxes of reboxetine, lamotrigine and aripiprazole and took the tablets. It was hard for me to do, a) because I still don’t want to accept that I am ill and need tablets to control the way I feel and b) because I know that I have had to back down on my plan to be un-medicated. I have had a headache today from restarting the tablets but I guess in the long run it will be worth it.
I have also decided to be honest with my care team about stopping the medication for over 2 weeks as I feel it may explain to them the moods I have been in. I see Allison and Jane tomorrow so will tell them then and I see Dr Mc on the 15th. I know they won’t be pleased with me and it will be a huge tick in the ‘non-compliance with medication’ box on a risk assessment but they need to know the truth about my tendencies to play around with my meds. At present they think I am totally med compliant and am suffering some form of rapid cycling. Instead I have been off the tablets that have been prescribed to keep my moods stable for about 3 weeks. It will make perfect sense once I explain.
Ruth
