I saw Dr Mc on Friday and he concluded that I was in a hypomanic state that he was concerned would escalate into pure, unadulterated mania. I told him I was just happy for once and cheerful. He told me that happy people don’t sit for half an hour constantly moving around, fiddling with their rings/bracelet, staring out of the window and saying “oh look a plane” and talking so much that he couldn’t get a word in edgeways. He has decided to cut the dose of the reboxetine in half as he thinks the increased dose caused the mood swing and has added sodium valproate into the cocktail.
I didn’t start taking the valproate until last night. Mainly because all the research I could find on it told me it would cause an increased appetite and weight gain, something which regular readers will know I am battling with already. However, I spoke with a good friend online yesterday and told him that I had been prescribed it and what could he tell me about it (this friend knows about these sorts of things). He told me this (and I quote as I can remember not as a paraphrase) “it is the second in line mood stabiliser used for bipolar” after questioning he concluded that lithium was the first line drug used.
This made me realise that I am actually bipolar. Before I just thought people were saying it as they knew how I’d react if they told me I was borderline. In fact, saying that, I probably would react in a borderline way if they told me I had BPD, but then I still do have borderline traits. I have for so long, since I was officially diagnosed in the Priory at Christmas, fought against the diagnosis. I have claimed it to be wrong, that there is nothing wrong with me, that I may be on the bipolar spectrum but don’t fit the criteria for full blown Bipolar 1, in short I have used many, many excuses to try and escape the reality of the truth.
I don’t know why I was trying to escape the truth. After all, I’d rather have an accurate diagnosis than some wishy-washy guesses of what might, or might not, be wrong with me. I jsut never thought I had a ‘proper’ mental illness. Not one that you can put under the ’severe’ category when the professionals categorise them. I always just thought I was a bit crazy, lost touch with reality a few times, self-harmed, had issues with eating and was terminally depressed. My Mum however, as soon as she read the criteria for bipolar told me that was my diagnosis, and this was before I was admitted.
I saw Jane today and told her about my horrendous spending over the past 10 days or so. I recently opened a new bank account, which is the main one I am now using, forgetting that my old current account was in the red, to the tune of £500. Now I know I should have paid this off before Christmas, when I had money and decided not to be using that account anymore, but me being me I didn’t. Anyway, last night I got a phonecall from said bank requesting I repaid the overdraft back, in full. They gave me two options; pay by monthly installments (with an interest rate) or pay the amount in full. I opted to pay the amont in full. Very sensible you might all think, and I put it on my debit card, where I thought there was £500 or so pounds. It would take me to the wire, but I thought I’d still be in the black. Of course, my life being my life, paying off one overdraft has taken me into the overdraft of my current account, so I am officially penniless. This didn’t stop me spending money like nothing on Earth today though, I just used my credit card instead. One of these days I’ll learn, or hopefully the mood stabilisers will kick in before my credit rating falls through the floor.
We also spoke about my eating and drinking. I got totally and utterly trashed over the weekend with a couple of friends. I went out late on Friday night and was at least 30 sheets to the wind when I crashed out on my friend’s floor having rung the parents at some ungodly hour to assure them that I was still alive and not in the morgue. I then sheepishly went home on Saturday to be invited out again Saturday night, whereupon I got very drunk again, and did some very silly things, which I am not proud of and at the moments am not sure I wish to divulge into (mainly because I don’t want to accept they happened).
My drinking of other fluids is atrocious though and she is concerned that I am neglecting myself by not eating (this is a conscious effort to lose the blubber I have acquired) and not drinking enough fluids. I’m not deliberately becoming dehydrated, it’s just I am so busy with other things and busy with being busy that I forget to drink. I’m constantly on the go at the moment and remembering to have a glass of water is not a top priority.
She is going to contact my GP and Allison about the ’self-neglect’ which I am disputing is self-neglect at all. I see Allison on Friday and I doubt she is going to be overly joyed at Jane’s news, but then she doesn’t seem overly joyed with anything I do at present. I see Dr Mc again on Friday as well, hopefully I can try and keep a lid on things this time and be a little less bouncy so he doesn’t think I’m hypomanic/manic. I am still trying to get put back on venlafaxine, but it’s not having much effect. I think maybe I’ll try appealing to his better nature this time (if he has one) rather than being ‘lippy’ (his words about how I was in the appointment) like I was last time.
Ruth
