I don’t know why I do it, but I do. I have this unhealthy obsession with pretending to people that my life is trundling along with absolutely no problems and everything is fantastic when in actual fact it’s falling apart rapidly and being held in place by the tiniest of threads.
So many things are out of place at the moment. Life at home is harder than it has been in a long time and I simply do not know what to do about it anymore. The Met Police are at their wits end having to come out to the house most nights after being called by the neighbours. My Mum is not taking a blind bit of notice to anything that anyone tells her about the situation and I’m not sure what to do for the best. My Dad’s drinking has hit a record high; he managed to drink a litre of gin in 2 days along with copious bottles of wine. He won’t accept he’s an alcoholic and seems to find it amusing whenever anyone mentions the amount he consumes.
I have been attending A&E at the Chelsea & Westminster too often recently. I ended up there twice in less than 24 hours last weekend and saw the same junior doctor on both occasions; the second time he saw me he sutured the wounds without local anaesthetic. Allison is worried that because of this treatment I am now neglecting myself as I am refusing to go to A&E no matter how severe the damage is. She thinks I should write to the NHS trust but I can’t be bothered. The doctor would only lie and to be fair he’s done me a favour; I’m not going to A&E anymore so I’m not wasting their time.
I see Dr Mc for the first time in 4 weeks next week. I don’t think he’s going to be too impressed with what he sees.
Ruth
August 9, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Aww honey.
I’m sorry to hear that things are so bad. I’d wondered where you had got to.
*hugs*
I think you should complain about the A&E doctor. I’m guessing he wasn’t just mean and judgemental with the lack of anaesthetic, but I presume he also did nothing to support you mentally either? The crisis team not got involved yet?
Also don’t let one bad doctor put you off going to A&E if you need to. There will be others and you could ask not to have him if you were given the same bad doc again.
As for your dad and his drinking. Knowing you’ve been a priory patient, I’m guessing there’s no way of getting him onto ATP? Perhaps you could ask your Priory doctor (is that Dr Mc?) if he could speak to your father?
When you see Dr Mc, you just have to be honest and tell him how things are. He can only help if he knows what is wrong.
Hope the appointment goes well and things pick up.
Take care xx
August 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm
There is no way my Dad would ever even consider the ATP. After all he is convinced that there is nothing wrong with his drinking, and of course the first step to overcoming an addiction is recognising there is a problem.
As for the junior doctor, he did call the crisis team out the first time (I was admitted on a Friday night, kept in o/night and saw the CRHT on the Saturday morning) but when I returned to A&E later on the Saturday he said there was no point in wasting resources by calling them out again! I’m not big or brave enough to refuse treatment from a doctor and ask for another one. When I was triaged the second time I nearly told the nurse I didn’t want to see the same guy (he did an appalling job of suturing) but I didn’t have the courage.
August 10, 2009 at 1:09 pm
hi Ruth,
I’m sorry to hear things are difficult for you at the moment. Hang on in there, stay safe.
Please, you are only hurting yourself by refusing to go to A&E. If you need suturing, it’s really imprtant you go and get it done. Infected wounds can get really nasty and become an ongoing drama that you don’t need.
Dr Mc is there t help you so don’t worry about what he might think. Just be honest
CN
xXx
August 10, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I know I should go to A&E and that I am hurting myself and putting myself at risk but there are only so many times you can be treated badly before you become stubborn and I have just reached that point. I could go to any other A&E in London but I have got to the point where I don’t want to waste time or resources on my own self-indulgence.
I will try and be honest with Dr Mc but it is hard to try and explain everything that has happened in 4 weeks, especially when my CPN works in the NHS and he is private and therefore absolutely no correspondence passes between the two of them unless it comes from my lips.
August 10, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Ah Ruth. Sorry things are crap. I wish I knew what to say but there rarely is a right thing. Thinking of you x
August 11, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Ruth sorry things are really crap for you right now. I too was wondering how you where. You should complain about the A&E Doc, people like that make me wonder why on earth they went into medical school in the first place… complete and utter shits they are… hang on in there.. x
August 15, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Hi Ruth. I just found your blog today and have just finished reading it. I felt I had to drop you a comment. From what I’ve r)ead you are an extremely intelligent woman who has an awful lot to cope with. I have a chronic medical condition (not life threatening) and over the last few years have become increasingly bitter about to the extent that I have been self-harming and on various anti-depressants. How I would cope with cancer and the thought of my life being shortened through no fault of my own (I understood perfectly your post where you explained trying to tell Allison how your mental health differed from the cancer diagnosis).
I can’t say anything that would make everything magically better for you: I wish I could. All I could suggest is that you remember all those things you wanted to do: immunology and a PhD. You can still do those: I managed to finish my PhD in chronic pain, completely out of it and thoroughly depressed and despondent about life. I think, from what I’ve read is that you don’t want your life to end, but that you want the current bipolar situation to end: you want to be stable, and with stability will come the ability to fulfill your dreams. The cancer, as you say, will take care of itself.
Thinking of you and sending well wishes your way and wishing I could take some of the pain from you.
August 24, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Hi Ruth, Sorry to hear things are bad at the moment, but please keep going to A&E, You should complain to about the Doctor
September 6, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Ruth. I hope you’re okay. It’s been nearly a month since you last wrote. xx