For anyone who is interested the 5 Ws and an H are as follows:
Who, what, where, when, why and how.
They seem to be all the prefixes to my questions now. Questions I have about my life, myself but most of all whether I deserve to be taking up a place on this Earth.
My life meanders on slowly, albeit with fits and starts. I have been in a job since the start of the academic term as a part-time lab technician back at my old school. I have finally started to move out of home and into the flat of my boyfriend (I’ve been with him a while – just haven’t mentioned him before). I’m also pressing assault charges against my Dad after I got caught in the crossfire and ended up in hospital overnight with quite bad injuries which are slowly healing.
As a result of this move in address, which will become formal at the end of the month I will have to move CMHTs and acquire a new CPN. Whilst this is not a huge issue in the fact that I will still see Dr Mc and Jane at the Priory, I would like to stop being supported by my Dad and break off all financial support from him. However, I realise that I will need to be referred to the NHS and receiving support from them before I can break off my relationship with the Priory. Also I am currently attending a bipolar group at the Priory which aims to focus on self-awareness of mood swings and triggers and combat relapses using a theory of medication compliance and CBT. It’s a bit wishy-washy at times but I think it is doing some good.
I witnessed a really bad road accident this afternoon. I was driving back from my brother’s house in Sussex and saw one car (silver) plunge into another car (red) at about 50mph. It was totally the red car driver’s fault, he tried to pull out across the incoming traffic when the silver car was approaching and misjudged the speed and distance but the fallout was massive. Red car completely crumpled and leaking diesel badly and silver car a write-off. Airbags in both cars had been deployed to the extent that the silver car’s windscreen was smashed with the impact of the airbag going off. The silver car’s driver had a badly broken knee from hitting the dashboard and bad contusions/lacerations to their head and the red car driver was unconscious at the scene with multiple injuries. The car behind me called the ambulance and as I was the only other person on scene at the time I put my, somewhat rusty, first aid skills into practice. Eventually the ambulances arrived, by this time red car’s driver had regained consciousness but was obviously seriously injured. The firecrews cut the red car driver out of the wreckage and he was blued into hospital whilst the rapid response paramedic dealt with the silver car’s driver. I gave a statement to the police and drove home.
I feel really bad about this but all the way home I kept wishing that I had been the driver of the red car. I don’t know how they are or what the lasting impact will be for them but I was jealous of them. Jealous for them being in a serious RTA which could have killed either of the people involved. Jealous for writing off their car.
I know I’m crazy, I have treatment for that – but how sick and twisted does that sound?
Ruth
September 22, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Hey, I’m glad you’ve written again. I had only found you blog and was beginning to think you wouldn’t be back. It seems good that you’re moving out of home and in with your boyfriend: it might be a bit of stability and a new chapter in your life.
September 23, 2009 at 2:03 am
So glad to see a new post! Also, loving the last line.
September 23, 2009 at 11:09 am
Also glad to see you posting.
I know what you mean about being jealous of people in accidents. I too have experienced that. I find myself jealous of death and pain because I just wish I’d have an accident and not have to do the dead myself.
As for moving house, new job and life stuff. It sounds good and I hope things go well.
September 24, 2009 at 8:57 pm
So sorry!!! Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to offend.
September 28, 2009 at 9:28 pm
It’s not crazy to write the last few lines you write, I think most of us who have the kind of illnesses we have often wish things like that, like ITS said she has and I know I have often thought it myself many times, how much easier it would be to go in an accident rather than suicide I even think it now at times when I am often doing better…
It’s nice to see you back writing here Ruth and well done for being brave enough for pressing charges against your dad, it must have been a hard thing to do but no one should be allowed to do that, even more so your own father.