I have had such a lazy day. I went out last night with Rich, one of the girlies I live with, a couple of Rich’s housemates, and a few other randoms that were known to the accompanied housemates. I have to admit that I had such a great time. I didn’t particularly drink that much (mainly because I don’t have the money to), I did get into a lot of obnoxious debates (in which I tended to take the minority viewpoint – just so I could argue more effectively) and I danced and sang to my little heart’s content.
Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Well as usual with me it wasn’t all happy laughs. I did sit in the girl’s toilets in one bar and cut myself repeatedly because I didn’t know how else to cope. I did in the club go to the toilet with a friend of a friend of a friend and share a line of coke (which did absolutely nothing for me, well it did, it made me feel real and everything around me seemed extraordinarily real, but in a ‘I don’t really give a f***’ kind of way’).
So England lost the rugby, well it was a bit of a foregone conclusion wasn’t it? I mean they are entitled to one fluke every decade but unfortunately they had their’s 4 years ago against Australia. I am miffed because Rich wouldn’t let me put a bet on for South Africa to win (apparently it was a curse and wasn’t very patriotic – he takes rugby very seriously does my Rich). I eventually stumbled to bed (and not even my bed – I crashed at Rich’s) at around 2am and didn’t wake up until 10.30am. I hadn’t taken any sleeping pills, any sedatives, any painkillers or any substance to help me sleep. I guess I just felt calm and relaxed being with him.
I am not a great fan of people who talk endlessly about their wonderful boyfriend t the point that nothing else is uttered from their lips if it doesn’t mention their other half, and I don’t want to become one of those soppy girls, but I am so lucky with Rich. We have been together since we were 18, we met through a friend in a pub in London and freakily were going to undergraduate universities less than 20 miles away from each other. Last year was tough because he had graduated whilst I was in my final year (due to resitting my 2nd year) and he had moved back to London, and I’m not saying it has been a breeze in the park. I have lost count of the number of times I have stormed off from him, or he has walked away from me, in the height of an argument, or in the midst of one of my crises, but we can’t stay angry with each other for long, and we always get over things! I am so lucky to have him.
The rest of Sunday I spent very lazily. I mooched back home after lunch at about 2pm, had a bath (I had had a shower already but still didn’t feel clean), put some sloppy clothes on, watched a crap film on DVD, had a bit of a doze and here I am now. Inbetween those tasks I have cut, I have eaten and purged and I have taken OTC drugs and painkillers, but I don’t care because it has been a nice weekend and I haven’t had one of those for ages.
Am waiting tomorrow for my GP to ring me and to want to see me after my little adventure in UCH A&E. I am now glad that I am getting help as I have slipped down the slide into self-desturct so easily this weekend. OK, I didn’t end up in hospital, or crying on a street corner, or threatening to throw myself off Westminster Bridge; but I have self-harmed, I have taken drugs (of the illicit sort), I have binged and purged, I have been reliant on OTC drugs, so in the course of 7 days I have gone from thinking everything was on track, so it suddenly not being. I hate mental health things for that, unlike physical ailments where you tend to get some advanced warning of a relapse, with mental health issues they just hit you. Like that. And because they are to do with your mental health and coping system, you don’t know how to deal with them.