And it’s the first time in weeks I’ve been able to say, or even think that.
I am at home, with the parents (who are, possibly quite rightly, being incredibly over-protective). I am staying here until 9am tomorrow morning, when I return to the mental health unit. I have been on leave since midday on Saturday and have loved and hated being away from the unit. Part of me is scared of being in the outside world again, there is a part of me that still wants to flee to far-flung places and start a new life, or that wants to curl up under the duvet with a bottle of cheap gin/vodka/whiskey/rum (delete as applicable), or wants to slice myself to pieces. But then there is a part of me that wants to go back to university in January (I originally deferred for a year, but after talking to my tutor and explaining everything he is offering the opportunity to return to studies in January, if I want to).
They are thinking of discharging me sometime early next week. The operation on my arm went well, although it will take some time to see if the nerve is beginnning to knit back together and fix itself. My new psychiatrist is trying me on new medication. I am off the lithium and onto lamotrigine (I have taken it in the past and it worked well). I am on a new dose of venlafaxine (150mg b.d.) which is an increase, but should take it into more of a therapeutic range for the noradrenaline reuptake. I am off the temazepam and zopiclone and onto zolpidem (as a short term fix). I am also being referred to the substance misuse people within the trust, who apparently run a women’s only service as outpatients, and am due to have a meeting with someone about that soon. I am getting a CPN, as it has been decided that I will live with my parents in West London for the foreseeable future, even if I return to uni, and will be meeting them sometime after I am discharged. Plus, when I am discharged I will be under the care of the crisis team daily for the first week.
This all feels very strange, but it is nice to know that there is support in place.