It dawned on me last night, actually it didn’t dawn on me, it was pointed out to me, that what the psych did was wholly ironic. He doubled my venlafaxine dose, to the maximum it can go, which is an anti-depressant, whilst telling me I wasn’t depressed. WTF? I think that just about covers it.
Saw my GP yesterday as I was concerned about the venlafaxine increase being too much too soon. She thought it was worth a go and told me that I showed signs of severe clinical depression and that the psych had probably read too much into my previous notes of being borderline and that was why he was being off-hand. It doesn’t make me feel any better but apparently the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) is due to publish treatment guidelines for BPD in December 2008, mind you the self-harm ones made no difference.
She took my blood pressure, which was slightly elevated but OK and got the nurse to do an ECG which showed up traces of an early diastolic murmur, which I already knew about – side effect of too many overdoses causing severe tachycardia, it’s not serious, just a case of watch and wait. I am going to continue seeing my CPN but am going to talk to him about the psych’s attitude and see if I can go back to seeing the psych I had when I was an inpatient.
I realise I had a bit of a knee jerk reaction on Thursday thinking I was going to ditch all treatment and I got this text from a friend, which put everything into perspective
Slashed artery. Overdoses. Drug dependence. Eating disorder. I know its what you know and the guy was a prick but you are only hurting yourself to do it alone.
Which is so very, very true and I’m not going to do it alone any more. I did however notice that the drug dependency is now listed on the main screen of my GP’s notes (under the existing conditions part) as drug dependency – hypotics/benzodiazepines/opiate analgesics. I can’t deny it, but I don’t like it being in black and white.
Back to uni on Monday. Am scared but have finally finished and printed the bastard essay!