I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet recently but a lot of horrible things have happened. The first was that I split up with the boyfriend a while ago and this has hit me hard, which is why it’s taken me a while to mention it.
The second relates to my family life. On Thursday night my parents had an argument about me admitting to my prescription/OTC drug dpendence and my Mum ended up with a broken wrist. My father is a wife-beater, spouse abuser, vicious bastard – use whichever phrase you prefer, they all mean the same thing. On Friday night I went awol, I just couldn’t cope at home so I shouted a few home truths and stormed out. My Mum panicked and rang the crisis team, who in turn rang me to see what I was “playing at”. I told them what had happened the previous night and that I was of sane mind and just needed some time out, whereupon they left me alone.
I came back home yesterday to find my Mum totally depressed, despondent and miserable. She was saying and doing some quite odd and scary things. When I wet to bed last night I had a text conversation with a friend and they asked if I was worried my Mum might commit suicide. I had to answer “yes” and I knew that she had a box of temazepam in her possession as well as some of my zolpidem and co-codamol lying around somewhere.
I was right to be worried. At some point early this morning, somewhere between 5 and 7, my Mum took an overdose. I walked into her room with a cup of coffee and found her, so rang an ambulance. She’s in hospital now and is being kept in overnight for medical observation. They’re not going to have any psych intervention as the doctors and nurses guessed what had caused it and apparently can rule out a mental health problem. She’s not talking to me now as I dialled 999 and it’s all my fault she didn’t just sleep (interpret that as you will), I felt like saying that she hadn’t taken enough to die and to take that from the expert, but I didn’t.
Before anyone asks, I don’t know how I feel.
They all describe it quite accurately.
I don’t want to live here anymore, but I can’t move out because how can I leave her in this situation. She isn’t going to leave, she never will, but I can support her if I am here.
It’s all so confusing and difficult.