The Words You Never Really Wanted To Say

This post has been being formed in my head for a while. I’ve been meaning to write it for a while as well, but for one reason or another I always found something better to be doing, but now I am doing it.

You may well know that yours truly ended up being sectioned in February, for 28 days because as I so delicately put it at the time ‘something horrible happened’. That is true, something horrible did happen and I still have trouble getting my head round it.

I had gone out for a few drinks and got quite drunk and was being walked home by a friend I had known for a few years and had often flirted with. We ended up kissing a few times but I insisted it didn’t go any further. Trouble was, he had no self-control and he raped me.

After this I went totally off the rails. I tried to kill myself 3 times in the following 5 days, I took overdoses galour, I cut myself, I tried to hang myself, I ran away from London and made a superb attempt of fucking up my own suicide attempt with a bath tap. Basically I O/D’ed massively, cut my wrists ipen and sat in a flowing bath but lost consciousness and the bath overflowed leaking through to the room below so I ended up in hospital having my stomach pumped and my arms stitched back together.

I did report the rape and it has gone before the CPS and the guy has gone before a magistrate and he will appear in court sometime later this year charged with attempted rape and sexual assault – apparently there isn’t enough evidence to charge him with rape.

Whilst I was explaining all of this in hospital though I ended up blurting out to the boyfriend why it affected me so, so badly. From the age of 12 until 18 I was sexually abused by someone in my family. I now know that they did the same thing to my sister and it was only when she left home that he started doing it to me. This is why i can look both pragmatically upon the event in February but also get totally freaked out by it.

I never wanted to tell anyone about the abuse, but now people know. I never wanted to say the words but they are coming more easily to me now.

Ruth

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5 Responses to “The Words You Never Really Wanted To Say”

  1. Disillusioned Says:

    hugs, if virtual hugs from an online sympathiser are ok.

    look after yourself.

  2. Alison Says:

    Ruth your post is both honest and open and I am sure your regular blog readers would appreciate that from you. I did wonder what had happened to you in February and I am sure a lot of others did to. I am so sorry someone who you classed as a friend took advantage of you and did this, it’s no wonder you became so distressed and my thoughts are with you that you find the strength to get over this or at least a way of coping.

    As for the abuse as a teenager you suffered your honesty is appreciated. I was sexually assaulted as a child when I was about 6 years old. It was only a one off thing by a complete stranger when I was playing out in the backstreet of where I lived. I remember it as though it was yesterday, the involvement of the police and everything. I never talk about it, a few very close friends know about it but I have never mentioned it on my blog but I know it’s something that plays on my mind a lot and is probably a big contributing factor to why I am like I am now. I wanted to discuss it with my GP, the CPN but I was not ready to. My best friend tells me that I shall never put the demons to rest and move on unless I talk it, I think finally this year I am going to but I know making that initial step will be hard.

    The strange thing is it’s never discussed between me and my parents and I presume they think it’s something I have long since forgotten about but I have not, it’s impossible to put such a traumatic experience out of your head altogether.

    Thinking of you Ruth, take care.

    Alison
    x

  3. BPD in OKC Says:

    I’m so very sorry that you had to go through that ordeal. I was raped at 19 and never reported it. It turns out that the guy raped other girls too. Maybe if I had turned him in, he wouldn’t have been on the streets to do it to others. I applaud you for having the strength and courage to go to the police. Take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk, drop me a line at bpdokc@yahoo.com or go to my blog at http://bpdokc.blogspot.com and leave me a comment.

  4. exactscience Says:

    Finding words is often difficult. Go slow, tread careful and you’ll make it.

  5. Ruth Says:

    Thank you to everyone who replied to this post. It’s nice to know people care, even if I don’t know most of you. I didn’t want this post to be a sympathy grabbing, attention seeking post, and it seems like you realised this.
    Thank you.
    xx


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