I have cancer.
It’s very easy to type, it’s very easy to say to people, in fact it’s very easy to text to people. However, it’s not so easy to believe. And I think this is why I am sitting in in a state of semi-disbelief, semi-denial, semi-pragmatism and semi-fear. I don’t know what I should feel. I am scared, I am angry, I am questioning why it had to happen to me. Most of all though, I’m just unsure.
I have a grade 2A osteosarcoma of my left tibia. They think they’ll need to complete a few cycles of chemotherapy to shrink the tumour before they can complete limb-sparing surgery. Those 3 words meant so much to me as ever since this kicked off I have been terrified of an amputation. At the moment they aren’t sure if they could operate without chemo, which would be their preferred option as it doesn’t mean I’ll be bombarded with cytotoxic substances that knacker up my DNA and immune system. I’ve got to go back to the hospital on Tuesday to have a full body CT scan to see if the cancer has spread, whereupon they’re also going to inject a radioactive dye into my leg to see the true extent of the diseased bone and it’s constraints. They are 99% certain that the tumour has remained within the bone cavity, which is good as it means it hasn’t spread to the soft tissue.
I’m at home in London for half term, so I’m having to fly up to Newcastle on Tuesday. I’m uncertain what to do at the moment, thereis a part of me which wants to move back home and have my care transferred to London, but then I have a job, which I can keep doing for a while, and a flat, which I am renting until the end of August, in Newcastle. I guess I’ll have to wait and see what they say.
Otherwise, the foot is feeling a lot better. The scar is pathetic for all the pain I was in but I am gaining more movement. I feel like a little old lady when I first step out of bed in the morning because it has stiffened up but throughout the day it starts to move more and by the end of the day I can move it quite freely. It still hurts and I’m trying to use the crutches less as I don’t want to be dependent on them. However, given the most recent news I think crutches are going to become a constant companion of mine for a while to come.
I am pleased with myself though. Given the news I found out on Friday and the thought of all that goes with it, I haven’t cut myself or overdosed or self-harmed at all. I have wanted to, god I have, but I’ve been restrained and realising that it won’t help or solve anything. This isn’t to say that it will stay like this, it just means that this is my current thinking, which has a fair amount of logic attached to it. Trouble is, I have a bad habit of ditching logical thinking when I want to and going back to irrational thoughts, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Everything at the moment is step by step, I honestly think I wouldn’t be able to cope if I didn’t take it like that.