Gavin rang me back on Tuesday after he had contacted all the people he needed to contact. He thinks I am too stable and compliant to be under the Assertive Outreach Team and therefore is referring me back to my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).
In essence this is good news but it means that I have had no support since Tuesday and am unlikely to have any now under next Tuesday thanks to a Bank Holiday weekend. I have the number for the Crisis Team and Gateway Worker but I’m notoriously bad at seeking out help for myself. Instead I just sit and wallow and drag myself deeper into a black hole.
I didn’t mention this to Gavin when he asked if I had any questions. I just mumbled “no” and he wished me well for the future and hung up. I feel as if I am slipping backwards. I am so lethargic, I can’t be bothered with anything, even the nice things in life.
Yesterday a group of 3 of us took the Eurostar to Paris for the day (£59 return tickets). It was meant to be a nice day out with a change of scenery. It should have been fun but instead I felt myself wandering around aimlessly feeling numb and empty. I know that this is a downward slope but I’m don’t know what to do to stop it now I have no continuous or nearby support.
I’m not even sure if I want to stop it in all honesty. Sometimes I think being depressed is easier than trying to fight it and work myself into recovery.