It’s official. I do not have a social life anymore.
When I was in hospital I dreamt of being discharged so I could go out with friends during the day and night. To the cinema, for a cup of coffee or a meal, to a bar, or even just to wander round the shops.
Since I have been discharged I have done none of those things. I have been out for one cup of coffee with my Mum. Admittedly I went to Paris on Thursday but I hate the incessent socialability of it all and the constant being talkative and engaging.
Instead I am curling up on my bed and sleeping most of the day. Or if I am not sleeping then I’m just sitting with my eyes closed or staring into space. I occasionally venture downstairs when my parents yell at me or if they tell me I have to eat some food. In fact a couple of hours ago my Mum said that all I do is “eat and sleep”. I would like to alter that comment to “eating minimal amounts” as I can’t even be bothered to eat. Chewing requires too much energy.
A part of me would love some form of social interaction. To see people or talk to them on the phone, but it would have to be on my terms andunfortunately my terms at the moment involve a lot of long pauses and general mopiness.
I know that holing myself away from the world isn’t going to make me feel better but equally getting on the Tube at Bank Holiday won’t make me feel better either. I have a feeling that if I go out then I would just get irritable and want to hit the slow walking person in front of me, or I’d start an argument, probably for no reason, that would get me kicked off the bus.
Instead I think I may have a few drinks and go to bed and before anyone says anything… I don’t care about alcohol in moderation tonight. Getting drunk and going to sleep is going to suit me a lot better in the morning than the other self-destructive urges I’ve been thinking of.