I got drunk last night, on vodka. Not a little bit tipsy but all out totally drunk. So much so that when I went to bed I had to prop my head up as lying down made me feel sick.
I also had a very bad urge to take the 2 months worth of venlafaxine that I had acquired in my drawer. Luckily I texted a friend, they guessed what was up and rang me and managed to get me to see sense.
Today has been a little better. I have had no alcohol and have even managed to complete some things I have been putting off for ages, namely my ironing. At least I’ll turn up to the CMHT appointment tomorrow with clean, ironed clothes. I’m sure that ticks one of their boxes.
I’m quite nervous about tomorrow. A friend of mine has a mantra for me “tale your time and be honest”. I plan to do both tomorrow but the trouble is, time is limited in a CMHT assessment appointment so everything will be whizzed through and I will feel as if I haven’t been able to cover things in depth. Also I’m not very good at being honest with people I have only just met, and the idea of two people sitting in front of me taking notes just totally freaks me out. I don’t know why but one person assessing me is one thing, but two, well that’s a step too far.
I have to go back to Plastics Outpatients on Wednesday to get my arm looked at. Surprisingly I haven’t picked the dressing off or at the stitches, which is fairly remarkable for me. It seems to be healing, in that it is itching at hurting, and I don’t think it’s infected, so hopefully they’ll be quite happy with the way in which it is progressing.
I have a bad urge to want to get drunk again but I know it would be a bad idea, a very bad idea. I’m just anxious about tomorrow and instead of confronting why I am anxious and what I am going to do about it, I’d prefer to blot it all out. Maybe I’ll have a bath later, although it seems like hard work. There isn’t even any Top Gear on TV tonight to make me laugh. Plus I’m having a crisis about what to wear tomorrow, as per usual. I don’t know why I worry so much about what I wear to mental health appointments, but I do.
In better news, I’ve lost 2 kilos!