After my recent bout of honesty I decided to test the water and see how manipulative and callous people think I am. I did this with the self same friend with whom I had been honest the other night and it hasn’t turned out well.
I decided to lie and to tell them that everything I had ever told them had been a lie, from what had happened in my past with my Dad through to being sectioned this year. Their reaction was not as I expected. Possibly because I have tried to push a wedge between myself and this friend before to keep them distanced, but maybe, just maybe because I am a manipulative, scheming cow at heart. They believed me and in no uncertain terms told me to “fuck off”. I have never been very good at taking hints so I rang them and a conversation ensued.
The outcome is that the person I thought of as a friend hung up on me after proving to me that we weren’t really friends at all, more a support network. This was proved by me knowing no basic details about them, like their favourite film or book. In fact I couldn’t even provide an interesting fact about them. I still don’t think that this means that we were not friends. I have people I have known for a long time and consider them friends and I do not know their favourite band or food. I don’t get into conversations like that usually.
They told me that they pity me. They pity me because I admitted to them that I do not have any real friends, instead I have acquaintances. This has been the case for a while. I am scared of letting people get too close so I act off-hand or try and distance them from me. I don’t know why I do this, I had a good friend in the past when I was at school, but she tragically committed suicide. I felt awful when she killed herself, as if I had failed her as a friend because she hadn’t confided in me and I hadn’t listened to her or tried to find out what was going on in her head. From that point on I became very independent and determined that I wouldn’t be reliant on others in my life.
This friend was the one person this year who I had let into my life. I had told them secrets that others never knew. I had laughed with them, cried hysterically with them, sat saying nothing due to paralysing depressions with them, rung them when I ran away from the psych unit, when I wanted to rant at the world, when I wanted to realise there was someone out there who cared, who wanted to talk with me and found me interesting.
I have now lost that person. They hung up on me the other night and I sent them a text to which they haven’t replied. I don’t want to chase them. I sounded desperate enough when we were talking. In fact I turned into a very typical borderline girl who was terrified of abandonment. I spent most of the night crying because I know I have ruined a friendship, and despite what they say I counted the person as a friend, and it was through my manipulative behaviour that I did. I don’t even know why I tried to find out how manipulative they believed I was. Sometimes my actions escape logic, I just know that the consequences are fairly logical.
This friend left me with the piece of advice to “go find some friends” to which they meant people nearby with whom I can talk and find out trivial pieces of information. I tried to find people on Friday night to go out wit, but no one answered my calls or texts. I guess thay had a point to pity me. I am a loner and it is all of my own making.
I don’t see Allison until October 7th and I have no contact with the mental health services until then. I could go and see my GP but I don’t know what I’d say. I avoided self-harming on Thursday night after this all happened, despite wanting to. I am taking the tablets. I am surviving, not particularly living, but surviving. The friend was right, I have a support network that is too small, possibly even non-existent now, but I am notoriously bad for asking for support and when I do, I usually get pushed away until I reach crisis point. I know I need to change my life around but I have no idea how to do so. I guess I need to be honest with the right people, the people who can help me, and not push away the others in my life.