Easy Come, Easy Go: Pushing People Away & Then Regretting It

After my recent bout of honesty I decided to test the water and see how manipulative and callous people think I am. I did this with the self same friend with whom I had been honest the other night and it hasn’t turned out well.

I decided to lie and to tell them that everything I had ever told them had been a lie, from what had happened in my past with my Dad through to being sectioned this year. Their reaction was not as I expected. Possibly because I have tried to push a wedge between myself and this friend before to keep them distanced, but maybe, just maybe because I am a manipulative, scheming cow at heart. They believed me and in no uncertain terms told me to “fuck off”. I have never been very good at taking hints so I rang them and a conversation ensued.

The outcome is that the person I thought of as a friend hung up on me after proving to me that we weren’t really friends at all, more a support network. This was proved by me knowing no basic details about them, like their favourite film or book. In fact I couldn’t even provide an interesting fact about them. I still don’t think that this means that we were not friends. I have people I have known for a long time and consider them friends and I do not know their favourite band or food. I don’t get into conversations like that usually.

They told me that they pity me. They pity me because I admitted to them that I do not have any real friends, instead I have acquaintances. This has been the case for a while. I am scared of letting people get too close so I act off-hand or try and distance them from me. I don’t know why I do this, I had a good friend in the past when I was at school, but she tragically committed suicide. I felt awful when she killed herself, as if I had failed her as a friend because she hadn’t confided in me and I hadn’t listened to her or tried to find out what was going on in her head. From that point on I became very independent and determined that I wouldn’t be reliant on others in my life.

This friend was the one person this year who I had let into my life. I had told them secrets that others never knew. I had laughed with them, cried hysterically with them, sat saying nothing due to paralysing depressions with them, rung them when I ran away from the psych unit, when I wanted to rant at the world, when I wanted to realise there was someone out there who cared, who wanted to talk with me and found me interesting.

I have now lost that person. They hung up on me the other night and I sent them a text to which they haven’t replied. I don’t want to chase them. I sounded desperate enough when we were talking. In fact I turned into a very typical borderline girl who was terrified of abandonment. I spent most of the night crying because I know I have ruined a friendship, and despite what they say I counted the person as a friend, and it was through my manipulative behaviour that I did. I don’t even know why I tried to find out how manipulative they believed I was. Sometimes my actions escape logic, I just know that the consequences are fairly logical.

This friend left me with the piece of advice to “go find some friends” to which they meant people nearby with whom I can talk and find out trivial pieces of information. I tried to find people on Friday night to go out wit, but no one answered my calls or texts. I guess thay had a point to pity me. I am a loner and it is all of my own making.

I don’t see Allison until October 7th and I have no contact with the mental health services until then. I could go and see my GP but I don’t know what I’d say. I avoided self-harming on Thursday night after this all happened, despite wanting to. I am taking the tablets. I am surviving, not particularly living, but surviving. The friend was right, I have a support network that is too small, possibly even non-existent now, but I am notoriously bad for asking for support and when I do, I usually get pushed away until I reach crisis point. I know I need to change my life around but I have no idea how to do so. I guess I need to be honest with the right people, the people who can help me, and not push away the others in my life.

Ruth

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2 Responses to “Easy Come, Easy Go: Pushing People Away & Then Regretting It”

  1. exactscience Says:

    Hey

    I thought about writing this as a for instance but it is easier and more honest to admit that I was said friend and this is what happened from my side.

    On more than a couple of occasions you have told me it is all lies. Lying happens, we all do it. I generally speaking will tell a lie and then either not admit it or admit it, I don’t flip-flop back and forth about whether I was lying or telling the truth. The flip-flopping makes it very difficult to trust you but largely I do.

    I didn’t believe you when you said it was all a lie. I pointed out the great lengths you would have had to gone to (creating fictional characters and interacting with said characters whilst on the phone with me). The “fuck off” was because I was tired of being tested, of being pushed for the sake of seeing how far you could push. You quoted that BPD book title at me, “I hate you, don’t leave me” but told me to “swap hate for pushed you as far as I can”, and I told you that in this case they were analogues

    As for the friendship thing: there is a fundamental difference in how we view support from friends. I am friends with people because of what they like and dislike, not the level of support they provide. I am friends with numerous people and only a handful of them are an active support to me, as it happens they are the ones I have most in common with. I worked this out. We have spent a fortnight talking to one another. I know what you favourite movie is, books are, musicians are but you know nothing about me and that is not because I didn’t tell you but because you either weren’t listening or can’t remember – I don’t know which is better.

    The pity I expressed was that you equate friendship with secrets shared. My friend Jon, knows nothing of my mentalism, but we can talk for hours about the stupidity of doctors, table-top gaming (I haven’t played in years but I still have a passing interest in 40K) and the works of Pratchett.

    When I told you to find some friends it was not to encourage you to go find out some trivia. Find friends to have shared experiences with. Friends to get you out of a place where all of your interactions are based on what kind of depressed fug you are in. A writer who is far smarter than me wrote –

    “History is collective. You have to share it with someone, or it’s just a story. And that feeling, when someone knows your history, really knows it, that sense of being so instantly and so deeply recognized, is a lot like love, or maybe it is some kind of love.”

    Go find someone to share with and not just someone to tell it to. That was what I was imploring you to do.

  2. Sammy Says:

    Ruth, you should forget relationships with others until you can have a healthy one with yourself.


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