At about 7pm last night I went out for a walk. It was hard for me to only take my phone and keys and to leave my purse and oyster card behind so I had no feasible way of running away. As soon as I walked out of the house I burst into tears and decided that I needed to talk to the crisis team after all.
It took me a good 5 minutes of staring at my phone with the number displayed to actually hit the call button, and the first time the woman answered I hung up. Being stubborn though, and it an absolute state in the pouring rain, I tried again. I spoke with the CPN there for about 20 minutes (which if anyone who has ever rung a crisis team will know this is about twice the time they usually spend on you). The CPN said she was worried about me being out, and the thoughts I was having and that I needed to get back in the warm and dry and write things down to show Allison on Tuesday. We spoke about the nightmares and the fact that I spent a grand total of 2 hours out of bed yesterday and most of the hours I was in bed was spent staring at the wall and crying. I told her how I had found the diazepam and just wanted to take them all with a large bottle of vodka and sleep, and go into respiratory depression and stop living. I told her how all my thoughts yesterday were preoccupied with suicide and I had spent a good hour and a half practising how to tie a hangman’s knot.
I could hear her typing all of this down as I was talking to her, which is a relief as Allison will read the notes from the system prior to our appointment and I won’t have to drag it all up again. The CPN I spoke with didn’t patronise me, or tell me to pull myself together and find something constructive to do, or that I was just having a bad day and would be in a better mood today. She asked what has helped in the past, to which I replied I couldn’t remember, which is true. I’m having an issue with remembering things, I couldn’t remember how to spell my surname on Friday, I forgot to brush my teeth on Thursday and yesterday I went out for a walk with no shoes on until I stepped outside and realised the pavement was wet.
Today I feel a bit brighter. Not better but with a little more energy. My arm is hurting where they operated. I can feel the nerve and tendon healing in the sense that I have a tingling sensation and prickling all the way down my arm and through to my little finger. I need to make a GP appointment on Tuesday anyway as I only have enough duloxetine to last ’till then so I may mention it. Trouble is I don’t want to create a fuss about it. It was an injury I caused that was treated, I then interfered with it and wasted more time and effort having to have it operated on so I should just deal with the consequences.