I saw Allison on Tuesday and told her how I had spent all of Saturday in bed practising tying knots to hang myself with. On Sunday I tried to hang myself but a combination of my hideous attempt at knot tying, the fact that I only had partial suspension and that meant the drop/weight wasn’t enough meant that I just ended up with a killer headache and tinnitis. She seemed genuinely concerned. She seemed even more concerned when I broke down into tears and stated that I just couldn’t cope anymore. However, despite her ringing the bed manager at the mental health unit and pleading for a bed, even for a few days respite, there are no beds.
I went home and continued in the way I have been living recently. Get up, get dressed, forget to brush teeth, don’t do much, lie in bed, go out of house, get panicky, come back, take diazepam, feel chilled out, go to bed, spend entire night awake.
Yesterday I saw my GP about the pain/tingling/numbness in my hand. I have definite neuropathy of the ulnar nerve and some motor dysfunction in my little finger, meaning it is weaker than the rest and I cannot bend it properly. I have been referred baclk to the orthopaedic consultant who did the operation as an urgent referral so he can assess what is going on with it and whether it will heal fully or need more intervention.
I saw Allison again this morning who seemed worried about my state of mind and the fact I am severely sleep deprived. She spoke with my Mum, who drove me to the appointment and explained that ever since the end of November when I first tried to kill myself she has wanted me admitting but the NHS doesn’t have the resources and beds at present. My Mum rang my Dad and my Dad took the view that he always takes which is “we’ll pay for it”. So I am now sitting in a private psych unit which is very lovely with a planned admission until Wednesday with the promise that I will not lose my NHS support (i.e. the psychiatrist and Allison) just by having a private admission. In fact Allison admitted that given the current bed crisis, it was probably the only way forwards.
I get some zopiclone tonight so hopefully the sleep deprivation will be resolved. At present I am calming down from all the admission stuff; masses of paperwork to sign, assessment by the psychiatrist, medical assessment by the resident medical officer, meeting my named nurse and the other patients etc etc etc.
I think I may go and ask for the zopiclone now and have an early night. It feels like it has been an exceptionally long day.