The olanzapine is working, in fact it is working well. I have been sleeping without nightmares or flashbacks. I have stopped seeing my dead cat wander around the house. I haven’t felt creepy crawlies climb over my skin. In fact it is what psychiatrists would call “a good result”.
However, olanzapine comes with a side effect that affects 90% of people who take it; weight gain. Since going into the Priory I have gained a stone and a half. Most people say I look better for gaining the weight, but being typically female and with an eating disorder, I hate it. I wish I was in the 10% who didn’t get weight gain, but I’m not.
I have reverted back to the tricks I used to use when I was totally entranced in being thin. Drinking lots of water, sucking ice cubes, throwing food up once eaten (I have to eat at home) and many other things. I have been looking at thinspiration pictures but instead of inspiring me, that have made me feel fat and worthless.
I want to take an overdose of the evil stuff just to sleep and forget my thoughts. I don’t want to die, in fact I told a friend this morning that I wanted to live and this is true. I want to fight this bloody illness and be stable, I want to fight the cancer and be in remission and I want to see 2010; at least I do at present. I can feel myself slipping into a depressive phase and I need to stop it. I see my therapist on Monday and then my psychiatrist and CPN on Thursday. I have radiotherapy inbetween the two.
I still don’t agree with Dr Mc that I am juggling too many plates, I agree with a friend who said the plates I am juggling are bloody large but few in number (I have adapted what he said but that was the general idea). I tried to explain how things were to my Mum earlier. We sat down and had a bit of a talk about the last few months. She wondered out loud if there was anything she could have done that would have made a difference and I came up with what I thought was a good analogy.
I told her having bipolar was like having a switch in your brain, and that switch was flicked to depression, just when my switch was flicked in late November the lightbulb blew and so I was in the dark.
I’m quite impressed by that, for me at least. Anyway I think the air between us is a little better after talking to each other. All I have to do now is talk to Dr Mc about the olanzapine and weight gain. I think that one could be difficult as he doesn’t seem to accept weight gain is depressing. When I had a female psych she understood that being a certain weight was paramount to my mental stability but a man seems to think as long as the drugs are working then that is fine.
Ruth
Fighting The Urge 
March 22, 2009 at 12:16 am
I’ve gained weight on Seroquel and I absolutely hate it. I’m now at that “healthy” weight everyone wanted me to be but having this choice taken away from me by medication has brought me back to the self hate I was trying to supress. Doctors really do need to realise that while a drug might work (in my case it doesn’t even do that) sometimes it’s not worth all the side effects (I.e. with citalopram my hair fell out and I had trouble persuading them to get me off that)
I’ve ranted and I apologise. I’;m just angry at the NHS and CMHT.
Glad you’re able to talk to you’re mum and the best thing is your wanting to live. I’m so glad you got through the winter Ruth and I’m glad you’re still here and fighting. Take care xx
March 22, 2009 at 12:47 am
Hi, it’s really good you’re so positive, just hold on to that mindset! It’s really annoying how male doctors just don’t get concerns about weight gain, I’ve experienced that a bit recently.
Oh and I like the light switch analogy, going to tell my friend (she has bipolar) about it, I think she’ll really like it.
Look after yourself
March 22, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Ah, weight gain. I gained three stone on Olanzapine, lost two of it, then gained another three and half stone on Seroquel, Lithium and Depakote. Like you it kicked me back into bad eating disorderedness and I was vomiting eight or nine times a day, throwing up everything.
It took about a year to stabilise but now I’m at a “healthy” weight. I could be thinner. Am 8st 4lbs right now, and was nearly 13 stone. Didn’t lose it throw vomiting, in fact, I don’t anymore. It takes a little while with antipsychotics for weight to stabilise. It does, though, and tends to plateau and gets easier to lose.
March 22, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Through, not throw.
March 25, 2009 at 7:11 am
When I started the Seroquel I was 248lbs, and three or four years later I’m 250lbs… but I think the Seroquel may be responsible for preventing any weight loss I should have had when I significantly improved my diet. I did lose twenty pounds two years ago, but put it all back on within a couple of months.
I’ve never really looked into what the effects of large doses are versus low doses on weight gain…
So far I’ve had most of the mild to medium Lithium side effects, plus the mild Seroquel ones, but considering where I was and where I am in my recovery I’ve mostly been very lucky that the benefits have outweighed the negatives.
Those suicidal thoughts will unfortunately be around for awhile. It’s like a behavioural thing where the disease conditions us to respond to almost any level of depression with an immediate suicidal fantasy.
Congratulations on finding something that works. I’ve never used Olanzapine, but maybe there’s a chance — after you’ve been on it for awhile — the dose can be modified so the side effects become less… apparent.
And I like your light bulb analogy…