I freaked yesterday. I was out and about, hobbling around in plaster, with one crutch as I am stubborn and I freaked out in M&S. I had a massive panic attack and felt as if the world was closing in on me. I also had a bad urge to self-harm so when the panic wore off I went and bought blades and stuff.
I then realised that this wasn’t the way forwards so I rang Allison who was out and couldn’t talk to me for 2 hours. I then went into some kind of zoned out state and came round at the reception of the Priory. Here I managed to get 5 minutes with the assistant psychologist who told me to go to A&E.
Now I have never been to A&E without having done anything and asking to speak with the Deliberate Self Harm Team whilst not having self-harmed was very strange. Luckily the triage nurse was one that has seen and treated me regularly so that was OK. The DSH Team turned up within half an hour of me arriving. When I mentioned that they had arrived quickly they told me that it was because I was bipolar and had just had a recent hospital stay.
The DSH Team were pretty helpful, they sat and talked with me, got my psychiatrists appointment moved forward to Monday and seeing Allison to Tuesday. They also got me a GPs appointment that afternoon. We went through all the questions and they ascertained I wasn’t suicidal but needed somewhere safe to sit and to calm down. In the end I sat in the relatives’ room for a few hours having been given 5mg of diazepam by a charge nurse.
Eventually my Mum came and picked me up as I had given the DSH Team permission to ring her and we went home. The plan of action is that I ring the Crisis Team if I feel I need help or turn up at the Priory or A&E if I feel unsafe. My Mum has been given a small amount of diazepam for if I need it and I see my GP again on Monday as wel as the psych to review things.
My Mum was extremely supportive and in her words “proud of me” because I had taken a wise step in not self-harming but seeking preventative support instead. I still feel awful today but the urges have subsided somewhat.
It just shows me how having a personality disorder doesn’t get you much help as you are deemed to be seeking attention, and yet the same behaviour with a mental illness gets you help, support and treatment straight away. It isn’t fair at all.