I am now back to posting on this blog. I have realised that I need it as an outlet for my own thoughts and it is cathartic to type these down somewhere even if it is only on a blog, and in a place where I have a record of my thoughts, moods and actions.
I have been stuck in a mixed episode for the last couple of weeks. I have never fully encountered a full blown mixed episode before. Sure, I’ve had the odd manic day where I feel a bit miserable or a depressed day when I feel anxious but nothing like the hell hole I am enduring where the two come clashing together.
It started with not being able to sit still and yet my body feeling absolutely knackered and depressed as hell. Then I couldn’t concentrate on anything, no matter how inane. Then my thoughts started racing at 300mph and the lights and noises in the flat got too bright and loud to cope with. Then I got headaches from thinking about too many things too quickly, and then came the awful, awful hallucinations. Seeing things that weren’t there, feeling like ants were crawling under my skin, scratching away at myself to let them out.
I saw my GP and she prescribed me diazepam to take until I saw Dr Mc, who prescribed me a mid-weight dose of haloperidol and asked to see me again in a week. The haloperidol got rid of the hallucinations but my head was still running so he has halved the venlafaxine to see if that makes any difference. Finally my lithium levels are at 0.7 which is respectable and my veins are returning to normal after the mass of blood tests to check the levels.
I am now solely in the care of the NHS after discharging myself from Dr Mc, Jane and the Priory. I couldn’t face being under the financial control of my Dad any longer. I am meeting a new CPN from SW London on Wednesday as my last care co-ordinator and I didn’t particularly gel, and will then wait to see the team psychiatrist and I imagine get put on the very long waiting list for therapy. It will be interesting to see how they work. Dr Mc and Jane have both written letters saying they are concerned about me (I promised I wouldn’t do anything over Christmas or New Year and now Dr Mc seems convinced that the self-harm/suicide risk will increase after the New Year period) and the GP has also faxed some information across.
In the meantime I am waiting for the excess venlafaxine to exit my system and for my head to calm down, or my body to wake up to the speed of my head. One or the other, but not the disjointed chaos I am in at the moment.