I promised myself that this year I wouldn’t play the amateur psychiatrist role and play with my meds, or adjust the doses or skip doses. I said I would be a good compliant patient and do things that would be beneficial to me.
Trouble is I have been taking haloperidol, a well known full-on whack you out strong anti-psychotic, since the middle of December and it was beginning to make my brain feel all foggy and make me emotionally flat and numb. Instead of talking it through with the psych registrar I decided to take myself off it and go anti-psychotic free for a while.
In a way it has worked; I no longer feel flat, numb or emotionally foggy, but instead I do have the crawling insect sensation all over my skin again and I keep seeing things in the shadows. It was a bad experiment and I will take a dose when I go to bed tonight and won’t take myself off it again.
I am due to meet Emma, my new CPN, properly on Wednesday and I have made a list of things we need to cover so that she knows me better. It includes eating issues, self-harm, self-esteem, ability to portray a picture of calm and normality whilst feeling awful, what happened with my Dad, my parent’s relationship etc etc etc. We won’t get to cover it all in an hour but I’ve typed a few of my thoughts and feelings down for her to read. I now have another issue to add the the list; medication compliance.
I also broke my no self-harming in 2010 rule as well as I cut myself whilst I was feeling the creepy crawlies run across my legs. It was very superficial though and no need for Minor Injuries or A&E or anything. Nick is away all weekend so I have the flat to myself and am feeling quite melancholy and lethargic. I almost wish I had the agitation of a mixed episode back rather than just being depressed, at least then I was more motivated.