I have stopped using the lorazepam to calm me down now and more to keep me safe. My hypomania has gone. The boundless energy has gone. The positive thoughts and hopeful aspirations have disappeared.
Instead I have thoughts of self destruction, suicide, self harm, running away, bad thoughts that I don’t want. So I am blocking them out with lorazepam. It calms me down, numbs my brain, stops the voices in my head telling me how shit and useless I am. It makes me chilled and slightly stoned.
Combined with zopiclone at night it makes me sleep and decreases the nightmares and terrors. I still have flashbacks and I still dissociate but it takes the edge of it.
Trouble is I can’t survive on lorazepam for the rest of my life.