Have started already, and it’s only 09:20.
This doesn’t mark a good start to the day, alongside the fact that it is absolutely chucking it down outside and cold inside because the parents have turned the heating off.
I think I may go back to bed.
Ruth
Edit: 6:15pm and I have just dragged myself out of bed for the second time since writing that post. The first one was for some happy, family lunch thing with all the family (who live in this country – I hate my sister at times for living in Gibraltar). So there we were, my parents, me, my brother, my sister-in-law (whom I adore) and my little niece and nephew and the conversation turns to me… as it always does. Debbie (my sister-in-law) asks me what my plans for September are. I tell her that I have an interview at the end of the week for a Secondary Science PGCE at the Institute of Education. Kit (my brother) kicks in and asks me if that’s wise and gives Debbie the look that was clearly meant to read “she’s just been diagnosed with cancer, she’s got to put her plans on hold, don’t encourage her”. I replied saying “I know that I may not be able to start the course in September but the IoE run a modular system of completing 3 terms so I could start in January or April 2009 if needs be”.
My Mum then tried to change the subject when Harry (my nephew) said “Daddy said you might die”. Now I laughed at this. Mainly because what father tells his little kid that their Aunt might die? Surely the whole, Ruth’s not very well and she’s going to have to have some nasty treatment and then an operation, would work better. My Dad then told me off for laughing and said that it was true. That he’d been looking on the Internet and bone cancer is very aggressive and can have a high mortality rate. I said I didn’t want to think about it and my Mum changed the subject again.
Then my Dad chipped in and said that I would have to think about it because it wasn’t the sort of thing I could stick my head in the sand and forget about. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was aware of that, that it was my leg which ached and that it would be my hair loss, my nausea, my vomiting, my fatigue and my knackered immune system that would cope with it and knowing him he would take no interest in me, as per usual, and it would be left to my Mum to pick up the pieces everytime I had chemo or felt rough.
I then left the table and Debbie followed me. She offered to bring me some food to eat in the kitchen but I said I wasn’t very hungry anyway. She apologised for asking a probing question, and I had to tell her that asking about my future plans wasn’t probing. Since then I came back upstairs and went back to bed. Faith (my niece) and Debbie came up to say goodbye and my Mum came up with a cup of fruit tea about an hour ago but I think people have realised that this lunchtime just crosses the line.
I didn’t mean to be all melodramatic and argumentative. It just happened. Like I didn’t mean to put my finger in the lighter flame for that nanosecond too long. It just happened. No lasting damage though, just a bit of an “ouch” moment at the time. I don’t mean to hurt and upset people and cause chaos in family situations. Maybe I should just avoid al social contact for a while until I settle down.
Tonight’s plans involved listening to the Kaiser Chiefs, live from Leeds, at 8pm on Radio 2 and then watching Walk The Line which I recorded last night, or if I still can’t face going downstairs I’ll download it onto 4 On Demand and watch it in bed. Both of these tasks will be conducted with the remainder of my bottle of wine from lunch and a few gin and somethings (probably cranberry juice or orange – undecided as yet).
What an exciting life I lead.
Ruth (x2)
Fighting The Urge 