What Goes Up Must Come Up: How My World Has Been Torn Apart

Firstly the title of the post relates to my mood, after an episode of mania I have fallen with a bang back into a depression. However, this hasn’t happened because of some chemical in my brain or because I stopped taking my meds for a bit. It has happened because of circumstances and 3 words my consultant said to me earlier this week.

Those three words were “it has spread”, of course this relates to the cancer. I have gone from being in remission and the future looking rosy to the cancer metastasising into my lungs. Lung cancer has one of the lowest survival rates, after breast cancer, of all the cancers. As my friend put it, “chemo will basically just be extending your life” and “it’s a good job you’ve given up smoking”. This friend has a black sense of humour at times. I hope that more chemo will achieve more than postponing the inevitable but deep down in my heart of hearts I think I already know the outcome.

The lungs is one of the first places bone cancers spreads to. I have been lucky for it not to have spread before. Doctors have been keeping an eye on me but I went to the GP with a nasty cough which I thought was just a chest infection as I have had a cold and he sent me for an immediate chest x-ray at the Chelsea & Westminster. From there they rang my consultant and he saw me that afternoon.

I start more chemo on Wednesday and radiotherapy for my leg. They may be able to conduct radiotherapy on my right lung (the cancer is only a stage 1) and there is always the possibility of surgery down the line.

Whilst the rug has been pulled under my feet I have rung the crisis team until I can get hold of Allison tomorrow. They have been helpful and caring to say the least. Someone came out to see me yesterday as I couldn’t stop crying down the phone and was in absolute hysterics. I see Dr Mc (my psych) and my GP again tomorrow and then Allison and my therapist on Tuesday. I am glad the mental health support is there because the way I feel rght now I could cheerfully do what the cancer might do right now.

My sister has flown over from Gibraltar to be with me and I am to be admitted to a world class hospital, the Royal Marsden, everyone is caring and supportive.

But for now my world is still shattered.

Ruth