All By Myself: Coping Alone Is Tough

I feel atrocious.
Like I have been on a rollercoaster and plummeted down a huge ravine. I don’t like taking the tablets. Off them life was fun, now life is a drag.
I thought of suicide last night. Thought of it properly. Even sat with my chosen method. But I didn’t do it.
I am too fucking afraid of fucking up again that I can’t even kill myself.
I could have rung the crisis team, but what the fuck would they have suggested? Go for a walk? Have a bath? A walk last night would have meant me running away. A bath would have brought thoughts of drowning myself.
Everything I see relates to death. Everything I touch I look at as a suicide method. I daren’t drive; I don’t know what damage I’d do.
I’m scared if I do it I’ll fail and then I’ll just be an even bigger burden to my parents. I can’t break down or flip out like I want to because they don’t have the money or time to sort it anymore. They are fed up, everyone is fed up.
I’m angry and I keep taking it out on myself. Cutting myself open. Eating and throwing up until it hurts. Everything is irritating and irritating deserves punishment.
I’m on my own this time.
Ruth

Accessing Advice: Sometimes The Support Isn’t There

I have been in A&E since writing the last post, which saw me staving off a self-harm attempt by being sensible and seeking help and advice. I had sutures for all times.

The last time, yesterday, I tried so hard to speak to someone, anyone before I cut myself.

At 10.30am I turned up at A&E to speak with the DSH team but no one was answering the phone. The receptionist called the crisis team who said it would be 4 hours before they could see me.

At 11am I rang Allison who was out but her secretary promised me that she’d ring me back.

At 11.15 I rang the Priory to discover my therapist was busy all morning and the assistant psychologist wasn’t in yesterday.

At 11.30 I rang the crisis team who wouldn’t speak with me as I wasn’t on their caseload and suggested I went to A&E or rang my CPN back.

At 11.45 I rang Allison again, who was still out.

At 12pm I took a diazepam and slept until 1.30pm.

At 2pm I cut myself and ended up in A&E with the same receptionist booking me in.

I ended up in minor injuries and got discharged with no psych assessment.

Allison finally rang me back as I left A&E. I told her what had happened and she said I had tried all the right things.

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother.

Ruth